A few weeks ago I was in my friends salon getting my hair done and chatting with the other stylists I have come to know. It is a fun group of women with very diverse personalities. One of them has a VERY strong personality that can be off putting, but that I like quite a bit. She is very opinionated and I am sure she is "right" quite a bit...who I am kidding? She is probably right all the time.
She made a comment this last time we talked that has put me to thinking in a deep way - she said something along the lines of "once you betray me, that is it, no more chances". After I told her "that is too bad", she went on to explain she is one of those friends you can ALWAYS count on and she will do anything for the people she cares about. When someone shows her she does not matter as much to them, she lets them go.
I said "it sounds like you have a hard time forgiving people. What if they learn from their mistakes and do better in the future? What if, because of the lessons they learned from you, they grow and change?" She went on to explain that she forgives them, she just doesn't put them in a position to hurt her again.
"What if you hurt someone else? Don't you want to own up to your own mistakes and be forgiven and receive a 2nd chance?" I asked.
"Of course," she says,"but when I say I am sorry, I mean it, if they choose not to re-engage the relationship, I respect their decision and let it go."
Now, do I believe it is so cut and dry for her? I don't know. But I have thought about this conversation a surprising number of times in the last weeks.
Today I had one of those experiences that cut to the quick. It felt like a friend betrayed me, mostly because I had put myself in a vulnerable position and, to make a long story short, was rejected. Now that I make it sound so mysterious it makes me smile a bit - it sounds so intriguing, yes? I would rather just leave the actual situation out of this post. At this rate I will never work my way around to my point...What is the point?
The point is, I am not sure if I want to be the type of person that can turn off my feelings the way Ms. Right can. The intriguing part, and the part I am not quite clear on is, maybe it is healthy to be able to shake off the energy that comes from betrayal. Think if you could, not only push the feelings aside, but just step aside from them completely and move on without feeling the loss of something...bigger.
Ms. Right SAYS she lets things go, but I don't know if I believe her. I know I would be devastated if I had hurt my friend the way it feels like she hurt me (don't worry I am not talking about my Debi - heaven forbid). I would want to make it right, I would want to understand and obtain forgiveness - I wouldn't just want to step left and move on "oh well, nothing I can do about it now".
The other part of the "betrayal" question is always accountability. I learned in a 'self improvement' class some years ago that I am accountable for every situation in my life. This is one of those mind bending concepts when you really think it through - of course I am accountable for gaining weight when I put doughnuts in my mouth, but am I accountable for getting in a car accident because the person behind me was too close? These are the concepts I struggle with.
ANYWAY, I finally worked my way around to my accountability in today's situation and can see clearly how I participated in it. It actually helps to gain the accountability perspective even if it doesn't make it hurt less. It is often difficult to be honest in ones accountability with oneself. The question now is, do I let her know how I feel? If so, can I manage it in a way that is not passive aggressive and designed to make her feel as bad as I do? What would it really gain? I will sleep on it.
So, what in all of this can I be expressing gratitude for? I am grateful for deep feelings. I am grateful for the ability to express them here and I am grateful that I cannot simply turn away from them without experiencing a strong consequence in my relationships.
I Am Grateful,
HB
Diva Quote: "There is always a second RIGHT answer." Roger von Oech
Hmmmm, Ms. Right really bothers me. I feel like I can't stand her. Man, yes, I do wish I had more of the happenings that hurt your feelings. I think it is a good idea to sleep on it. You may not sleep really well......buy, hey, it is worth a try. I think I would ask myself...is this the first time this mystery friend shafted you? If not....the decision may be different on your reaction. Sorry to hear this though....it is mind consuming isn't it?.....just like when you accidentally offend someone you care about. It is all encompassing and it remains in your thoughts until you can hopefully make amends.
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Ah - the voice of reason, there you are. Sleeping on it did help and there has been no more tightening of the troat or aching of the heart space...maybe a little shaking of the head is lingering, but in the light of day things don't matter as much. To be honest, I have had two such experiences in the last month - both different people that mean a great deal to me and both due to incidents not related specifically to me, but that impacted me directly. Isn't that wierd? Not really...I obviously have something to learn...I'll get it.
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